Oh shit I'm sorry

What the fuck
has happened in your life
when you write fanfiction about soap operas?
I feel like I should apologize beforehand because I'm clearly about to pick on the mentally ill.
This is the blog (inappropriately enough) entitled "Dante's Inferno" written by what I assume is a gay man who calls himself Professor Chaos.

... Not too much more to say about this, really, so let's just go right into it.

Why is Easter called Easter? Shouldn't it be called “Unburial Day” or “Night of the Living Christ” or “Jesus 2: Resurrection Harder”?

Thank you for asking, Rhetorical Device! According to the Venerable Bede, an 8th century monk who didn't earn his title from NOT being the Wayne Gretsky of documenting Christian antiquity, Easter is named after Eostre. 

Wayne Gretsky of Christian antiquity--
What?

She was the mother goddess of the ancient Germanic tribes in Northern Europe. Eostre's aliases among Anglo-Saxon pagans include Austron, Ausos, Ostare, Ostara, Ostern, Eostra, Eostur, Eastra, and, finally, Eastur. In what's going to be a recurring theme for this post, she was a fertility goddess.

THIS IS A CHRISTIAN HOLIDAY SHUT THE FUCK UP.
Clearly the Bible was divinely inspired and not just an already existing haphazard jumble of fables, parables and psalm lyrics with some other bullshit injected into it to appease/intimidate/convert whatever savage tribe the Romans were fighting at the time.
I fucking hate religious talks.
Especially from the nonreligious.
But especially from the religious.
Unless you're roaring a chorus of praise to Zeus, of course.

 So anyway the most recent news is that my dad turns 85 tomorrow. You’re probably thinking to yourself that I must be one old motherfucker but the truth is well you’ll never know.

In a previous post you admitted your first video game console was the Atari 2600 when it was new, which means you're old enough to have played an Atari 2600 when it was new which makes you at least 35, and that's assuming you played it as an infant.
I put you at 42+.

Men can fertile for a long time is all and well, I didn’t say how old my mother was and seeing as she’s dead that’s not likely a topic I’ll bring up.

Hey man you don't have to justify shit to me. I didn't ask and I don't really care.

Well once again I only have half a day to post about since I slept the first half away. 

Sounds like the perfect day, then.
So why does this post continue for paragraphs?

My nephew the (former) Jarhead came over for dinner. Of all the immediate members of my family I’d say he has the most going for him. A military career on his resume. Lived in CA during his stint. He’s back home now living in my sister’s boyfriend’s mansion and going to school on Uncle Sam’s dime. Optimistic. Fun. Loves to laugh and joke. Popular. Young. Handsome (def the best looking male/descendant of my father. I know a few of my cousins lucked out in that dept where as my dad, my bros and the other 2 nephews are pretty mediocre). Most of the rest of my family – males & females – are pretty screwed up. Jarhead seems quite the opposite. Yes I am jealous.

So there you go. Ringing endorsement for the military if I've ever heard one. You end up less screwed up than some wackjob on Livejournal.

Emo stayed over and slept in until well into the late afternoon. Ham is at her dad’s. Nurse came over w/Dora for a bit. Today was very relaxing overall. We also saw a more deer today. No pictures though. 

Nurse and Dora. Always together, eh?
Why do people do this shit? Does this guy seriously go back into his blog and reread this garbage?
This is so boring to the outside observer the first time I can't imagine wanting to read it a second time. Maybe he has friends that find this amusing somehow?

Then the house started filling up: Blondie and her SO Richie Rich (because my sister prefers men with money over looks). Blondies son Scrubs and his SO (who is rather insignificant in the scheme of things so she will go w/o a moniker – her only remarkable trait is that she is always on her phone every time she visits). We thought Scrubs was going to bring his daughter Prim but he did not. 

Oh my fucking Christ, dude.
Have you ever heard of editing? 
This one paragraph goes on for about fifteen more sentences.

My main issue with family get-togethers aside from the bore factor 

ASIDE FROM THE BORE FACTOR
WHICH I WILL EXPLAIN TO YOU
IN GREAT DETAIL

as that I am the only one w/o selective hearing therefore I can hear everyone talking at once, loudly and cannot distinguish enough of one conversation enough to focus and participate in. That and I have really have nothing to contribute as group conversations among my family seem to be topics totally foreign and again boring to me.

I must not have selective hearing either because all I can hear when I go to fucking work is a ton of background noise and some whiny fem music screaming over the speakers at three quarters volume.
It's amazing I don't come home with migraines. 
It's further amazing I'm capable of enough thought to listen to customers' whinging at me about the basil.
A testament to my patience, really.

Finally! I finally finished Atlas Shrugged! I don’t know if I actually disliked it. I really did want to try to read something with some cultural and/or historical significance to it. It was extremely philosophical which I’m not opposed to but it’s not like I had to read it for a college course or a book club where it could be discussed with others to put it in some context or offer some germane explanation of what the author was trying to get across. I pretty much understood the gist of it (though I did cheat and go to Wikipedia toward the end).

I'm surprised I made it all the way through college without having to read any Ayn Rand. She's pretentious, nonsensical and enough of a cunt to warrant studious reading from my fucking school.
So you coined a new philosophy called objectivism and in it you've stated that furthering your own goals is the ultimate good (or Machiavellian consequentialism, as it is normally known) and capitalism is the ultimate form of government because it gives everyone a chance to further their own goals (ignoring for the moment it provably doesn't) and then you turn around and do something altruistic (the antithesis if your philosophy) by sharing it with others.
Great.

Is there a book you really loved that was subsequently turned into a movie? Did it live up to your expectations? Why or why not?

I think everyone will respond that the movie never lives up to the book which I think is kind of bullshit.
Generally speaking people only know it doesn't live up to the book when they're aware there's a book in the first place.
For instance, did you know Soylent Green is based on a book?
Yeah it is. And the book is fucking bullshit. Soylent Green? Not even made of people.
WHY BOTHER?

4. Dan Brown’s The Da Vinci Code was one of the best and most memorable books I have read. 

This guy.
This is so fucking boring.
I'm done with this bullshit.

Jesus Fuck Christ

What why they changed Blogger's look.
This is awful.
I hate things that are different.
Actually all the shit looks the same it's just uglier and unfinished-looking.
Bang up job, gentlemen.
Anyway here we are for today.
This blog is called The Analyzer.
The ANALyzer, more like.
So anyway I was fucking around Blogger's new features and I discovered this:

6578 unique page views what the fuck is wrong with you people I mean Jesus Christ--
I thought for sure I was the only one reading this but evidence points to a few regular readers.
Anyway you didn't come here to listen to me marveling at my new found ten readers so here we go, blogs.
Yippee can't fucking wait.

I just realized an essay that I thought was due next week was due today! Which wouldn't be too bad, since I'm able to make something somewhat decent without it being very last minute.

But that family "friend" of ours is over in order to take my mom over to a chiropractor. As an star-eyed Israel supporter, he's Islamophobic and Arab-hating and this makes him very unpleasant to be around.

Brown girls, man.
But Israelis can be brown girls too you know.
I just hate to see brown girls fight. Shouldn't you ladies have better things to do?
Such a shameful waste of brown girls all around I feel. That's the real tragedy, I think.
I don't care if their respective governments want to create an apocalyptic wasteland but I can't help but feel if my sage advice is not only being ignored but the opposite of what I've taught is being done.
This must be how Jesus Christ felt.

He just said something about the Soviet Union inventing the Palestinian identity and that they're all evil and deserve all the land being stolen away from him. Just...fuck this guy. If I can't cut ties with him entirely, then I'm not talking with him as much as possible!

Fucking Commie scum.

I've enjoyed my Women's Literature class, but I enjoy Intro of Women's Studies. They introduce radical ideas that should be required viewing for everyone.

Nope too busy with my own niche philosophical views to bother with yours.
Why do all these people have to force their bullshit on me in pussy sensitivity?
You don't see me forcing transhumanist views on you, do you?

I need to finish an essay from that class though, which is due Thursday. I'm beginning to start it this night. Then I'd won't have to do so many essays, with Spring Break next week and all.

I mean really, if I were a woman I'd be a bit embarrassed that one of the primary contributions to the world my gender has accomplished is women's lib.
 Women have achieved a lot of shit like I'm pretty sure the first software compiler was built 100% by a woman.
And the greatest WW2 sniper of all time was a woman.
And the best spy in WW2 was a woman.
But you never hear about that shit, do you?
No because WOMEN'S LIB HURRRR DURRR.

Obama-apologists, what's it going to take for you to realize that your dear President doesn't give a shit about you AT ALL before you protest his evils? And screw you for eviscerating the truth tellers.

God, these people make me sick to my stomach. Why do I even hang out at that community? 

I dunno but guess where I found this blog?
The community she's bitching about here.
Bitching in a post 9 months old.
People just love to bitch.

Fuck you.

Fuck you for falling for the lesser of two evils rhetoric.

Fuck you for saying voting for a third party is bad even when both parties are inherent criminals of all types.

Fuck you for putting down the disenfranchised when they protest either through said third party voting or despairing and pulling out of the futile system altogether.

Fuck me for fucking everything I am the white man white guilt right here.
Seriously if you vote third party you might as well not fucking vote at all because none of those losers are winning.
So pick your favorite dipshit party, idiots, because your votes don't mean a goddamn fucking thing.
I, on the other hand, don't vote so I'm entitled to criticize the government as much as I want.
You voted?
Well I guess you voted for criminals so you brought this upon yourself.
I, on the other hand, never asked for this.

Fuck you for liking Obama after all the people he's betrayed, the murders he consented to, and the divide and conquer tactics in rewarding certain groups of people and persecuting orders.

Fuck you're making me like the guy. He sounds like he gets shit done.
But unfortunately I live in reality so I know this to be contrary to the truth.

I should feel sorry for you all, for being so entrapped by the ruling elite and propoganda rhetoric that you feel no choice but to vote for Obama. But no, I don't. I just want you all to shut your mouths so discussion's about protest and other means of getting the working people's desires could not be drowned out by manufactored cynicism. 

Great grammar. I'm not even going to bother noting your spelling and grammar errors but suffice it to say there are a couple.
Anyway that's real bulletproof logic. FUCK YOU SHEEPLE then you turn around and tell me to keep my mouth shut and submit to your view.
This is a great argument and I feel like I really learned a lot.

Holy crap, I'm actually writing the first chapter to Pieces of the Five. It's over 8 pages and I'm kind of excited about it. 

Over 8 pages for one chapter.
Implying what, that's some kind of landmark for length?
Holy fuck, how short are your chapters?

I don't know how long this will be but I hope it will be at least 15 pages.

Am I the only person who doesn't bother page counting for chapters?
It's as long as the thought is. Deal with it.
Then again I'm also apparently the last person to worry about word count or some bullshit scale that determines if your female characters are empowered enough so I guess I'm just really out of touch with writing.

To start this off, I hate our family friend. He imposes 100% incorrect and racist views on my family, a supporter of the death penalty, and a right homophobe.

Imposes incorrect views.
Views--
can be incorrect--
okay, Thought Police.

But he's kept around because of his veneer of niceness. I can't believe I even liked this guy at one point. If the opportunity to cut contact with him presents itself, I'll eagerly pursue it.

Yeah I guess that's cool, not wanting to talk to people you don't like--
I wouldn't talk to anyone I do at work but unfortunately it's my fucking job so what can you do?

Society has it wrong. Right wing views should be absolutely villified! The more left the views are, the more coverage they should get.

Oh that's great. This is literally after three posts about how censorship is wrong and how we need to stand against censorship.
So this guy you don't like because he's a homophobe and whatever else has a veneer of niceness so your family tolerates him-- have you ever considered you're a Nazi with a liberal veneer so your family tolerates you?
Because that's really how this shit is reading.
I know it's a faux pas to call someone a Nazi on the internet because it's such an easy analogy to make but goddamn have you read this shit?

This article needs to be read. It precisely explains why progressives need to be as extreme as the tea party, even more extreme.

Yes, extremism.
I love extremism.
Zealots, hell yes.

Please stop trying to make me give into despair about everything and that I'm helpless in contributing toward any effort that could change things for the better.

Sincerely,

Your son

SON?
This motherfucker, man.
Writing fanfiction-- whining about politics on his blog--

Apparently that article I've shown my mother about the racism of The Last Airbender wasn't enough to persuade her and my older brother from going to see it. I..just *gabbers in-comprehensively* 

And yet you called The Karate Kid a great exploration of Asian culture so clearly you don't know fuck all about anything, stupid.

I'm glad I'm no longer part of a religion.

That is all.

Edgy as fuck.

I'm twenty-one today! I now at the age where I can legally drink, but I'm don't fancy headaches and nausia, so I'm just do with angel food batter!

Got English homework to deal with this weekend having to deal with Lot's wife and some poets' take on her. I'll employ my mother for some assistence on this front!

21 but still need mommy to spot you for homework.
"Assistence". you know my mom stopped helping me on my homework when I got to middle school. Maybe that's why I know how to spell assistance.

I should be finishing How To Suppress Women's Writing this week. Its pretty interesting to see the techniques used against women to keep them out of the halls of Great Mainstream Literature.

Except Mary Shelley and Harper Lee, apparently.
The best technique to suppress women writers is to have a high standard of writing.
I don't mean to sound sexist but when it comes to classic literature their contributions seem a bit slim.
Oh and Ayn Rand. Even though I hate her writing she is a famous female author.
You know--
if I were one of these three women I'd be pretty upset at the statement women authors are being suppressed and that's why there aren't more in the mainstream "great literature" category. I mean surely they achieved greatness as women and they weren't suppressed? Wouldn't the implication be they somehow gained that status through some other means?
Actually if I were any of these three women I'd be fucking dead and not thinking anything but you get my meaning.
Actually Harper Lee is still alive.

Yay I got the H1N1 vaccine!

Beat that Swine Flu!!!

I spoke to a licensed medical doctor, a licensed surgeon, a nearly-graduated nurse and a pharmacist around the time of this whole H1N1 bullshit and none of them recommended getting the H1N1 vaccine.
Good work.
He (I still can't believe this is a guy) is now posting about fanfiction--
Yeah I think I'm done with this bullshit.