Oh God

This layout
that avatar
is it 2003?
YEAH I'M EDGY AND MALL GOTH
GOTTA SHOP AT HOT TOPIC AND CUT MYSELF LATER.
Also I noticed my last entry only got one view (me) instead of the usual 10-30 views.
So God people fine I'll post something on time for once.
What, you thought this was a professional production with a schedule?
NOPE.
All amateur all the time.
That sounds like a porno ad.
Anyway I'm just delaying as long as I can so I don't actually have to read this garbage.

hel provided the following reason why this journal should be viewed with discretion: I use bad words and talk about sex and other things which might upset parents who expect other people to monitor their children for them..

Yeah she calls herself Hel.
Hel in Norse mythology is the goddess of the underworld so we have Norse mythology (I'M Wiccan xD) and the underworld and almost saying the word hell so the edgy factor is off the motherfucking charts at this point.
Except she warns you this is happening--
Someone truly edgy wouldn't warn you.
1/10 making me reply must try harder.

“There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.”-Ghandi

Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit

Everything is out of the old apt. Just gotta unload the uhaul&the moving part is done.

You know I'm glad the average length of your posts so far is 17 words because having to agree that I won't immediately shit myself and have a heart attack on seeing the word "fuck" really doesn't grate when I have to do it to reveal the next sentence in the paragraph you call a fucking journal.
Moron.

Is there anyone who could help me unload a uhaul in Deanwood between 1&4pm today?

Deanwood?
You're going to have to give me a state on that one.
Can't say I've ever driven through Deanwood.

The move from Hell WILL be done tonight. Then comes unpacking.

HELL
THERE IT IS
SHE SAID A BAD WORD--
except I've had to read through short stories with 7th graders that contained the word "hell" so I don't think this counts.
Still that's one more almost bad word said than most of these fucking blogs contain so--
Reminds me of the time we were reading through some 19th century thing and it said "breast" about 17 billion times so I had them say breast 5 times in a row to get the giggles out.
Oh to be that young and stupid and easily amused by things again.

This must be what it's like to have ADD. I just can't keep focused on my task, every thought distracts me.

It has taken me a long time to figure out what I like about the EVE Online community over other MMO communities.

My first reaction was they were more intelligent than the average person but that, as it turns out, isn't anywhere close to true.

They're just as dumb as any other group but there is a certain quality they possess that I don't see very often.

Yesterday I finally figured it out: people with ADD don't play this game at all.

If you play this game you have the patience of several saints.

I can't tell you how different the experience is where, no matter the intelligence level of the person you're dealing with they're not bouncing off the fucking walls because something hasn't died this nanosecond.

Here is a picture of a cat so large and grainy it doesn't fully fit in my monitor--
my monitor isn't small--
Another fucking one--

So I managed to get a concussion. Was in the moving van (details of how fucked up the move has been are on fb) and mom said something at just the wrong time, distracted me, and I slammed my head into...something. 

This is a typical MMO player right here.
Now imagine the success of 8 people who just put 3 hours into something is tied to this moron not fucking something up.
Welcome to the reason I don't play FFXI anymore.
And the thing they can't fuck up is literally on par with "don't hit your own head so hard you get a concussion" and they still fuck it up.
I'll never forget that fucking area you level in with the colibris and that one wind elemental that spawns.
"don't back up into it and cast a spell" is basically the only thing you have to do to get experience.
Of course some retard does every fucking time.
Then I bounce a cure III off the colibri so it now knows cure 3 and promptly drop the party while the rest of the morons are dealing with a wind elemental and a colibri that is suddenly immortal.
Fuckers.
Fucking dark knights think they can tank because they're so dark and edgy--
I don't want to talk about this anymore.

Was instantly dizzy and nauseous, and Thane says my behavior changed, my packing the van tetris skills sharply decreased. But we were still aiming to get done in time, so I ignored it and continued packing. While Thane & mom were off on an unloading run, I noticed I was feeling oddly listless.  

Like the digits in your IQ are equivalent to the temperature of standing water--
why are you picking the jobs where you have to juggle a spell cycle and a weapon chain?
My IQ is literally double yours and I have trouble juggling keeping you morons refreshed, regened, healed and my own MP not at fucking 0.
What hope do you have of doing that + damage?
Of course I'm playing glorified babysitter and you get to do all the "fun" shit (AKA: shit that does fuck all) so maybe if I did fuck all too I'd manage.
Of course then when I pick a damage dealing class my damage is so in excess of everyone else I'm tank, too, so fuck everything.
No I don't want to talk about this anymore.

Also, I'd had like...no hours of sleep since Friday afternoon, so had a minor breakdown about how fucked the move has been right around dawn.

Thane got back mid crying spell, and decided I needed to go to the er, and fuck getting the move done "on time".

So yeah. ER said it's a concussion, sleep dep isn't helping, go rest and take it easy. Thane is enforcing this, so the move is delayed even further, til this evening.

Apparently, getting diagnosed with a concussion sometimes just means you hit your head, have some head injury symptoms going on, but nothing is showing up on any of the tests, like ct scan.

Yes, clearly the licensed medical doctors can't identify a concussion.
But you, someone so inept you can accidentally bang your own head so hard on something you get one is fully equipped to identify your own concussion without scans.

RT @alicetheowl: I'm still accepting monetary assistance to help get me through an awful situation

Oh yeah.
Me too.
Like I'm doing fine at the moment in terms of cash but if anyone just wants to send me free money I won't tell you no.
I have provided you people years of free entertainment at tremendous cost to myself.
Remember when I was student teaching in that shitty school and I still managed to update?
I am truly a beneficent, Christ-like figure.

Things I am doing that are working well-drinking an equal amount of water before I have soda.

Things I am doing well not punctuating anything

Aw, @BurgerKing, why'd you have to go and shrink the size of a large hashbrown at breakfast?

THIS ISN'T TWITTER YOU FUCKING IDIOT

@SOMEONE DOESN'T DO ANYTHING.

I still don't fully understand Twitter, speaking of.

I read three Twitters now and I don't get any of them.

The incredible thing is Twitter really makes you sound like an idiot because you have 180 characters to complete your thought so grammar and spelling are right out the fucking window by default.

One person is an astrophysicist and the other is the greatest living author.

Both of them sound like high school girls on Twitter once you take the context of the post out.

 Dude, I had my turn signal on for at least 10 seconds before your dumb ass honked at me. Your failure to see it is not my problem.

Fucker toots his faggot horn at me like that when there's nothing I can do and I can fucking guarantee he just made the biggest mistake he's going to that morning because my entire commute is now a mission to fuck with him and him alone.

Going to the ER for medical care means more expensive care, more lost time at work, longer recovery times&a lower quality of life.

>2013

>not going to a witch doctor

RT @ellyblue: Looking around, maybe we really are in a postfeminist era. And not in a good way. Time to get back to basics. 101 is recognizing dumbassery.

No clearly we still live in a feminist era because TWITTER DOESN'T WORK OUTSIDE OF TWITTER.

Oh

shit

are you fucking joking with me?
Are you serious?

I had to click that I was 18 or older

then click that I was 18 or older

to see this:

Naptime!

THAT'S THE ENTIRE FUCKING POST.

Wooooow

Nap time truly is a post so debauched and perverse that only adults should bear testament to it.

Closed car door on my fingers. (Left hand at least) Dropping Thane at work, going to urgent care. Don't think they're broken.

And this is the person I'm trusting to not get us all fucking shot in pirate space.

Jesus Christ.

"Let's all move to drone space!"

"Why?"

"Drone space is going to be the place to be next patch!"

"No it isn't"

long story short: it wasn't and the new system we were renting (I had to help pay the rent no less) had a massive fucking wormhole straight into Goonwaffe space.

Thank you for scouting this before we bought it, chief.

A giant space asshole that dumps Goons directly into our yard.

I'm sure 10/10 of you don't know what I'm talking about but just reread that phrase: "a giant space asshole that dumps Goons directly into your yard."

Does that sound like a good thing?

So people that have played the game for half a decade should definitely know better.

RT @sunshineejc: there is no policy that Obama has passed or proposed that added as much to the deficit as #GOP $3.9T extension of Bush tax cuts~Ezra Klein

Yeah

no Obama is the greatest president in the history of history.

Have you read about his insane policy of seizing records so he can monitor people?
I'm certainly not committing any opinion to the contrary to text.

Did I say "insane policy"?

I meant thank you, Obama, for keeping me safe from myself. 

War is peace

freedom is slavery

ignorance is strength

First time this year it's been cold enough to warrant my leather jacket.

Look at that fucking avatar.

She wears leather every time she gets dressed.

Which isn't often because you can go to stores now in your pajamas. 

I'm going on a date with my husband! ... After we make a sympathy visit to his step-great aunt. The juxtapositions of married life.

To be fair she did say hell and fuck once each so this totally justifies the amount of inconvenience the inanity of your thoughts are.

#420yolo

Sorry forgot my "Twitter only" part of the post so you'd know we're speaking the same language.

RT @elizabethdanger: wait. wait. people ship sansa and joffrey?

I read that "ship Sansha" and I thought we were talking about fucking Sansha's Nation ships in EVE Online and I got really excited for a second.

The Nightmare is probably my second favorite battleship so you can shut the fuck up about Sansha's Nation, okay.

RT @dantheshive: Can we please have a presidential election where it's difficult to choose who to vote for because both choices are just that awesome?

I voted for Obama.

For truly he is the greatest president of all time.

RT @Doubting_Tom: I have a challenge for @DCComics: Can we go 6 months where no rapes are committed or attempted in a non-Vertigo book?

RT @Dumb_Cunt: I have a challenge for @Dumb_Cunt: can we go one post without a Twitter thing?

Fuck off.

Cool Kid School

This entire blog is about my famous book series, Twilight. Yeah that's right. I wrote it. I'm fucking rich out of my goddamn mind for writing an extended conversation between my author self-insertion persona and my author self-insertion personas.
I pride myself on being a huge fucking nerd faggot loser who can still blend in with normal society and hold a normal conversation with others who venture into the day star, so this blog is an interesting exercise in what it's like to take the plunge and become a complete mutant.
Ha, ha Twilight University indeed. I bet their football team kicks ass.

In keeping with the theme for this week so far, the student body is meeting in order to announce the official Hot Topic Twilight University Student Uniform, which will be worn at proms, vampire baseball games, and cliff diving competitions.

Official Twilight University student uniform. I know what the cool kids are doing these days now, don't I? I'm plugged in.

(Striped knee socks are optional.)

But the penis that found its way into your mouth sure isn't optional.

After in-depth discussion and an extensive review of available options, the choice was clear: We had to bring the chagrin. And the creepiness. Because that is what Twilight University is all about.

Even Twilight fans admit their books are creepy as fuck.

When masses of fangirls are encountered, for instance at Hot Topic or at the midnight showing of The Movie, there are several steps you can take take to minimize the risks of fangirl injury.

I carry a riot shotgun for situations like this.

Cover your ears. If you anticipate extended exposure, invest in some serious earplugs. Your ability to hear will thank you.
Consider the use of a full face mask. This should provide some protection against the scratching, eye poking, and facial fractures.

Not this is her advice, not mine. I decided to heed it, so here is my mask:

Know the enemy. Rabid fangirls can generally be identified by their excessive crying and shrieking when presented with anything Twilight-related.

It's cool with that helmet I can see across several spectrums and through walls if the lighting is right, so I'll see them coming. Also even if one does approach I weigh about a ton with that armor, so what can she possibly do?

If possible, avoid areas known to incite fangirl hysteria, including but not limited to Mormon temples, shopping malls containing Hot Topics, Mexican airports, and TwiMom meets at Starbucks.

Yeah I'll be sure to avoid TwiMom (what) that week. It'll be tough but I know I can do it.

As in the last review, this section will feature feats of amazing artistic genius.

Ha, ha that's what I think of when I think Twilight.

Okay, you have been in the University for some time, and it is really time to pick a team.

I'm going for a doctorate in idiot fanfiction. Think I'll make it?

Today, in addition to being the day after Halloween, also marks the countdown of 2 weeks and 6 days until the release of the Twilight movie.

Goddamn your font. Also I have it marked out on my calendar. I'm counting down the minutes.

Searching for the perfect gift for the TwiFan in your life?

I'd buy her (invariably her) a bullet.

It is clear that many (most?) fangirls have a little problem with differentiating the actors and real life from the fictional world of the Cullens.

If I landed one of these roles I'd do it, make my millions, then immediately call the entire thing fucking stupid and anyone who likes it an idiot. That way I'd alienate my fans and still walk away with millions.

Ways That Robert Pattinson Could Be More Awesome
(And Increase the Lulz)

Increase the "lulz", huh?

Still haven't found a team you can really commit to?

I'm committed to team "I talk to girls sometimes."

Looking for a group that can match your intelligence, desperation, and love of bow ties? There still may be hope...

Not here, but I'm just saying there's hope for you.

I, for one, have been dazzled. I cannot get enough. But I also feel like I have seen the entire movie at this point.

I saw the trailer on TV by accident and it looks like a shitty Blade knock off with 100% more gay and 100% less gore. It's going to be a mediocre at best romp that will be rewarded far beyond its due.

For weeks after the book was released, I searched YouTube constantly wanting to see evidence of the infamous call to burn the book.

I'm usually against book burnings (no matter the book) but if they wanted to purge that stain I'd be for it.

Is it just me, or does there seem to be a whole lot of eggs in the Twilight saga?

No I noticed that too.

In this second course focused on examining the fashions of Twilight, we will address the presence of Stephenie Meyer's favorite color: beige.

Which is really kind of funny because that's exactly how I'd describe her writing style. Beige.

The beige is gigantic in its many iterations: khaki, light tan, champaign, and (maybe, just maybe) topaz. topaz.

Khaki, light tan, champagne, topaz.

This leads the reader to one question: SMeyer, why are you doing this to me?

Yeah she did that to you specifically. She planned that out and really put a ton of thought into her story.

Umm...that does not look like a white turtleneck and beige leather jacket.

Captain Badass and his turtleneck.

The release of the Twilight Soundtrack track list today was...as expected. Muse, Linkin Park, and Paramore, all very SMeyer choices.

I rag on Twilight but this is marketing genius at its most brilliant.

*Please, God, let them make a Twilight musical.

One thing the Bill O'Reillys of the world seem to think is that if gay marriage were allowed children would somehow "become" gay. Anyone with a working knowledge of psychology, biology and history would know no one can "become" gay, but I fucking guarantee a Twilight musical would be a gay transformation machine.

As a continuation in our popular dating series, this guide is designed to teach uncoordinated human girls what NOT to do when pursuing the twinkling vampires or sweaty werewolves that they desire.

I put a lot of thought into my response to this and I don't think there are words that could properly express what I'm feeling, so instead, a picture:

In short: It’s fucking embarrassing. Begging for sexual relations is neither becoming nor virtuous.

But I can't blame you for trying, ladies.

We are gathered here today to discuss something that has been bothering me for a long time: Twilight Fashion.

This is the fourth (seriously) entry on fashion in Twilight. This blog is officially boring as fuck.

This course will seek to grasp the notion of logic and reasoning,

Something Twilight fans are very uncomfortable with, I assure you.

Assembly Topic: Technique Training from the Athletic Department

Including such invaluable lessons as "how to reach that anime DVD on the shelf overhead" and "how to inhale plankton".
Jesus Christ this goes on and on forever. How long have these books been out? I doubt I could write this much about shit I've been into for 10+ years.
That's it, I guess. This goes on and on apparently until the dawn of time but I don't want to read through several billion years' worth of posts, so fuck it.